couldn't wait to get going but wasn't quite ready to leave.

i never thought i'd be here. NEVER. and now here i am trying to plan my senior speech. how can i even try to convey what the past four years has meant to me? how do i let people know how dear i hold them in my heart? how do i attempt to keep everything together when really i'll feel like my whole world is crashing down around me? how do i move on from the magical place i've dedicated four years of my life? how do i leave these people behind?

i can't.

i hope you don't mind...

i made a solemn vow to never forget these words:

"i think you're the most beautiful, most amazing, most incredible person I've ever met ever. I know it's only been a short time, but wednesday seems like ages ago. When I left school today I thought, 'you know, I really miss kellianne.' i just want to be around you all the time."

I almost got sentimental, but I held my tongue. You mean so much to me.

I hope you don't mind that I put down in words how wonderful life is now you're in the world...

near, far, wherever you are.

I've been trying all day to come up with a way to convey how I feel about you. I've only come up with one that came close...

it's like there's a string that's attached to my heart on one end and attached to yours on the other. It keeps tugging and tugging. Pulling me closer to you every day. When you're gone it keeps tugging on my heart. What's scaring me is the moment when you'll cut the string. I know it'll happen. And it'll pull my heart straight out of my chest.

365.

a whole year ago. it seemed like yesterday. for some reason this day will always be imprinted on my mind. april 26. it was the day my dreams came true.

now you seem lifetimes away from me.

it's inevitable.

I get excited to wake up at 5:30 in the morning and sit through a painful day of school just because I know I'll get to see you.

you should know I think about you 24 hours a day. And I've come to the conclusion that you're perfect. Absolutely, undeniably perfect. How did I get so lucky?

i had the best day with you [yesterday].

everything fell into place.

home.
flowers.
double surprises.
sweet kisses and sweet words.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7...
stupid boys proving me right.
best friend heart to heart.
peace of mind.
cuddles, snoring, deep sleep.

the times they are a-changin'

I just saw my cousin again for the first time in 5 years. It was really strange. I barely recognized him. And of course there was a lot of awkwardness, especially in the beginning.

Oh, and he's gay. Big change. I had my suspicions for a while, but actually seeing him set the record straight. He had really coiffed and styled hair, gold studs, a pink flannel, and a little sidebag. And he mentioned that he's dating a really great guy. This probably sounds like I dissaprove of him, but of course I don't! It's just a lot to get used to. The last time I saw him he was dating a really nice girl who was on his school's swim team. he's changed so much. It's just hard to wrap my head around.

Any way, the point of this blog was that it really made me realize how fast time flies. We reminisced about the good old days in new jersey. It seems like just yesterday that we were playing with spice girl barbies in his attic, putting on little plays like Annie, beauty and the beast, and Harry potter, and performing Britney spears dances for our relatives. And it's horrible that I've let 5 years slip by without making any effort to keep in touch with my own cousin. Family is so important. I realized that I really need to do a better job of spreading love and keeping in touch and so on.

I'm really proud of my cousin for embracing who he is and feeling so comfortable in his own skin. And he is so happy; I can tell. I hope one day I can find the same peace of mind that he has.

Jump.

I saw a rainy Boston, a windy Pittsburgh, and have yet to see Philadelphia. But really, when it comes right down to it, if I could choose any place in the world to be right now, it'd be wherever you are.

I don't want to think about losing you.