shoot the moon.

i have such big dreams. and those dreams happen to be the same as thousands of other people. but i don't care. performing is what i live for. i need it. i can't imagine myself happy doing anything else. it's going to be a hard road. heck, it's already been one hell of a road. but it's still the life i would choose every time. setbacks are hard to deal with. i'm pretty bad at taking criticism or rejection. but they never manage to get me to give up. they make me want to be better.

my dreams are so far fetched. there's no reason why my dreams should come true over the thousands of others who want it just as badly as i do. but i can't give up hope. i only have one life to live, and i have to give 100% of myself to my dreams. i wouldn't be able to live with myself if i didn't try as hard as i could have and never succeeded. i'm going to do what makes me happy no matter how many times it makes me sad.

the end of the world.

things keep going wrong.

i am absolutely crushed. it's been a whole 24 hours. the initial sting is gone, but every time i think about it i want to cry. buckets and buckets. but then again, crying about it won't change anything. i wish it could.

life seems to be going all sorts of wrongs these days. i hate to be so pessimistic. but my future is in jeopardy right now and i got it in my head that this was the only path to success. it felt right. and then it didn't want me. see any patterns? i do.

but then after a ridiculously terrible morning i went and had the nicest day. it just goes to show that there's always a rainbow on the other side.

i will be happy again. eventually. but for right now it's back to the fake smiles and the fake air of happiness until i really do feel better.

i can't dismiss...

i changed myself for you.

it didn't start out that way, but the whole time i just kept thinking about you.

and the part that sucks is that i know you wouldn't change yourself for me. you shouldn't have to.

p.s. you left me with a secret. and i will keep it. it's not my favorite secret to have to keep, but it's the only proof i have that you ever cared about me. so i will keep it.

beautiful.

i am a sucker for that word.

that text. that note.

you made my heart flutter.

every word you say i think i should write down. don't wanna forget come daylight.

no need to wonder what's been on my mind.

it's you.

it's you.

it's you.

i give up. i let you win.

reunion?

awkward greetings.
small talk.
box of chocolates.
taco casserole.
pumpkin ice cream.
"how's rehearsal?"
"how's school?"
"how's colleen?"
"how's choir?"

"when can you go visit and susie in paris?"

"how many AP classes are you in again?"

"do you take zero period?"

"when do you go to bed?"
my own grandma still doesn't know my name. and when she remembers it, she pronounces it "kewwianne." and it makes me want to barf a little.
those awkward references to my mom that just make everyone go stiff for a second.
that fight where my dad insists he's almost fluent in spanish and my grandma disagrees.
my teary-eyed dad recalling the wiz.
remembering how adventurous i was that one night i went out to dinner with my dad. and then another five minutes trying to remember the name of the restaurant and then not remembering.

for about an hour stuck back in that world where i'm shy, reserved, polite, awkward, and cautious. it's strange how uncomfortable i can be around my own family. i'm constantly on guard. making sure not to say the wrong thing. i don't want to get hurt again.

when you wish upon a star

sometimes that wish just cannot and will not come true.

i know this one won't.

i wish.

All I know is that you're so nice
You're the nicest thing I've seen
I wish that we could give it a go
See if we could be something

I wish I was your favorite girl
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world
I wish my smile was your favorite kind of smile
I wish the way that I dressed was your favorite kind of style

I wish you couldn't figure me out
But you always wanna know what I was about
I wish you'd hold my hand
When I was upset
I wish you'd never forget
The look on my face when we first met

I wish you had a favorite beauty spot
That you loved secretly
'Cause it was on a hidden bit
That nobody else could see
Basically, I wish that you loved me
I wish that you needed me
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars,
Actually I meant three

I wish that without me your heart would break
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake
I wish that without me you couldn't eat
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep

Look, all I know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen
And I wish that we could see if we could be something
Yeah I wish that we could see if we could be something

bittersweet.

even though today was a horribly terrible day, it still managed to be one of those days I'll remember for a while. And for one specific reason: I have so many amazing friends that are there for me through everything, even when I'm being overdramatic and whiny. i forget sometimes and i hate that i realize it only during difficult times. if you ever read this, thank you meg luthringer, thank you delphi borich, thank you kristin o'brien, thank you madison swart, thank you laurel anderson, thank you oriana inferrera, thank you maria hanley, thank you eli rivas, thank you dylan colbert, thank you kendall busby, thank you adeline allen, thank you matt phillips, thank you jordan johnson, thank you carol mathews (haha). just thank you so much. you'll never know how much today meant to me, from all of you. even a hug or a smile just helped me so much.

thank you for being there for me. I'm so lucky and so blessed to have all of you in my life.

p.s. After writing and then never posting many blogs concerning my current situation, I'm glad this is the one I chose.

dreams.

i want this with every fiber of my being. there's no other way to put it.

everything is done. there's nothing else i can do but wait. this is going to be the longest 5 weeks of my entire life.

i'm going to pray every night for this. not that that can really change anything, but i'm gonna do it any way.

please universe. please let this dream come true. please.

please.

i am going to do something really special with my life.

"you're not pretty enough."

"you're not smart enough."

"you're not skinny enough."

"you're not talented enough."

it's time to stop playing those tapes over in my head. i only have this one life to live. and i'm going to make something of it and spend every day the best way i know how to.

"Let go of feeling you are anything but beautiful. Let go of thinking you can't do this on your own. Let go of being scared that you might not be good enough. Let go of saying you were meant to be alone." Edges never stops surprising me with how accurately it applies to my life.