bottle up all your fears and throw them out the door.

that's it. when someone looks back on my life, i want them to think, "she loved life. she made every day fun."

i'm going to start. loving life. and being completely present for every moment. i was given this wonderful thing called life for a reason.

lady marmalade.

something pretty magical happened to me today. I went to church on the choir tour for the first time since easter. It was a wonderfully uplifting service. With contemporary songs, choir singing, friendly faces and a powerful sermon. It's hard to explain what I was feeling, but I felt so close to god. God is pure love and it was such a powerful feeling to feel so emmersed in his love. I felt free of all bad things and at peace with everything; with the world, my friends, my circumstances, but most importantly, myself. I'm not usually the type that talks very openly about my relationship with god just because it's so personal and it's also sort of a taboo subject sometimes, but with the amount of feeling I was feeling, I wanted to say something about it. So I did. I tweeted a little harmless sentance saying how good I felt about everything. And then one of my friends tweeted back shut up. And it was one of the most hurtful things someone could have said to me. I get that not everyone is religious, and that's okay. But i think it goes without saying that you should attempt respect those who are. I can take most shallow insults, but when someone makes fun of me for being religious, that's when they've really crossed the line.

and that's when my perfectly lovely morning took a turn for the worse. I had been feeling nothing but love earlier, but then I felt resentment towards one of my good friends. And as we went back into the church to provide the music for the second service, I started to realize that no one was being respectful. A good guy friend had his arms crossed and a bitter look of dissaproval on his face during the sermon, another close girl friend rolled her eyes as we recited the our father from memory, and another guy friend was drawing cartoons while the girl I was already resenting alternated between talking to her friends and reading a book. And countless others had their heads resting on the pews ahead of them, completely asleep. I just didn't understand. The least they could have done was looked like they were listening or interested. They didn't have to hear every word or believe anything, but it's just that church means so much to so many people, and to see people disrespecting it is just hurtful.

and then you. i spent so much of this year comparing myself to you, trying to be better than you, trying to prove that i could stay friends with you through everything... but today i finally realized that none of it is worth it. you can be selfish and fake and just plain mean. and although sometimes you can be super fun and the life of the party, thats all you'll ever be. and im happy being myself instead of you. even if i never succeed and you do, im happy in my own skin.

great expectations.

i expect too much. i know. you're a really busy person, i get it. i should be lucky that you manage to find time for me at all. but i just want to feel wanted by you. lately this has become a routine. you do things because you feel like you have to, not because you actually want to. i make such an effort just to be shut down. it's become too comfortable for you. the thrill of the chase is gone. i miss the magic.

so damn unpretty

i can't believe i'm about to blog about this. i don't talk about this with anyone. but here goes.

i have been fighting against my acne since 6th grade. i mean, granted, some people have it much, much  worse than i do, but it's definitely a problem. sometimes it's better and sometimes it's worse. on those days that it's worse, i legitimately want to fall in a hole and die. i get so frustrated that i can't look perfect and i get so self conscious that i just can't look people in the face sometimes. i get up at 5:30 in the morning because it takes me a half an hour to put on my makeup. and i hate it. as silly as it may seem, it's almost a roadblock in my life. i let it defeat me constantly. i'm currently having one of those days where i literally can't think about anything else except how ugly i feel. i have tried everything. benzaclin, neutrogena, proactiv, epiduo, doxycicline, murad, lancome... you name it, it's been on my face.

i play these moments over and over and over in my head...

the day i was working on a group project in french class and had a really terrible blemish on my cheek and just covered half of my face with my hair and the girl i was working with gave me this look like "what's wrong with her?"

in greece during a break from rehearsal when jesse crum turned to me and said, "your face is bleeding..." and i ran to the bathroom and hid for about ten minutes until i had to go back to rehearsal.

i just want to put a bag over my head. or be a hermit. yeah. but really. i just want to feel pretty for once. to feel comfortable in my own skin. to maybe be in the presence of another person with no makeup on someday.

i realize this is a problem. the way i feel about myself. i wish it weren't this way. and someday, i'll get better. but right now, i guess i'll just have to wait it out.

your words don't translate.

"where are you going to school?"
"boston conservatory."
"isn't that like... a music school?"
"yeah."
"oh. are your parents like super rich or something?"
"no. they're actually pretty poor."
"well then that's not a very dependable future for you."
"i don't care."
"what's your plan B?"
"i don't have a plan B."
"that's not smart. you should minor in something like economics."
"no."
"why?"
"because i don't want to."
"well i mean you're not going to make any money."
"you know what? i don't care. i care more about my happiness than money. i would rather be dirt poor living a life i love than have a ton of money and hate my job."

i finally turned away and put my head on my desk.

"i hope she's not crying. i didn't mean to make her upset."

well. TOO BAD. you did. and all i have to say is:

fuck you. fuck you very, very much.

i don't need you to tell me how to live my life. i'm going to give everything i have to my dreams so that i never have to look back and think, "what if?" i really genuinely hope someday i can look back and be able to say you were wrong.

wishing only wounds the heart...

this is what i get. for dreaming. for believing that beautiful miracles can happen to girls like me. a poor little girl in a rich man's world.

i just thought that things would be different this time. that somehow the world would figure out a way to let me live my dream. i just feel hopeless and worthless and crappy. after all that, you don't realize how much i want to go to your school and how little money i have?

it felt right. everyone was so proud of me and so happy for me. they were all so optimistic it was going to work out. i finally felt proud of where i was going to school. it made me feel like i was worth something. like i had a chance in this world. guess not.

red gladiolus.

that's the kind of thing every girl daydreams about. and when it happened to me, all i could say was, "that's so sweet." and hug him back.

it's true, i did have feelings for him at a point, but now, as silly as it seems, i tried to picture us together and just couldn't. and then i wondered how different things would be if i had ended up with him, him, him, him, him, or him. and then after that silly little thought, i realized that given the chance, i wouldn't choose anyone else but you.

i may be the stupidest, most selfish, and most masochistic girl ever, but screw everything. i'm HAPPY. and as long as you feel the same way, i'm going to continue taking this leap with you.