lady marmalade.

something pretty magical happened to me today. I went to church on the choir tour for the first time since easter. It was a wonderfully uplifting service. With contemporary songs, choir singing, friendly faces and a powerful sermon. It's hard to explain what I was feeling, but I felt so close to god. God is pure love and it was such a powerful feeling to feel so emmersed in his love. I felt free of all bad things and at peace with everything; with the world, my friends, my circumstances, but most importantly, myself. I'm not usually the type that talks very openly about my relationship with god just because it's so personal and it's also sort of a taboo subject sometimes, but with the amount of feeling I was feeling, I wanted to say something about it. So I did. I tweeted a little harmless sentance saying how good I felt about everything. And then one of my friends tweeted back shut up. And it was one of the most hurtful things someone could have said to me. I get that not everyone is religious, and that's okay. But i think it goes without saying that you should attempt respect those who are. I can take most shallow insults, but when someone makes fun of me for being religious, that's when they've really crossed the line.

and that's when my perfectly lovely morning took a turn for the worse. I had been feeling nothing but love earlier, but then I felt resentment towards one of my good friends. And as we went back into the church to provide the music for the second service, I started to realize that no one was being respectful. A good guy friend had his arms crossed and a bitter look of dissaproval on his face during the sermon, another close girl friend rolled her eyes as we recited the our father from memory, and another guy friend was drawing cartoons while the girl I was already resenting alternated between talking to her friends and reading a book. And countless others had their heads resting on the pews ahead of them, completely asleep. I just didn't understand. The least they could have done was looked like they were listening or interested. They didn't have to hear every word or believe anything, but it's just that church means so much to so many people, and to see people disrespecting it is just hurtful.

and then you. i spent so much of this year comparing myself to you, trying to be better than you, trying to prove that i could stay friends with you through everything... but today i finally realized that none of it is worth it. you can be selfish and fake and just plain mean. and although sometimes you can be super fun and the life of the party, thats all you'll ever be. and im happy being myself instead of you. even if i never succeed and you do, im happy in my own skin.