i would go most anywhere to feel like i belong.

where will i end up? it's scary that i'll know the answer to this question in one month. i have one month to decide the place i will live and study at for the next four years of my life. wherever i choose to go, it'll change me and my life significantly and will determine the path i will take after college. this is scary. i can't handle it.

i don't know how it gets better than this.

am i allowed to be this happy? how do i deserve this?

i want to make you happy. i want to be a better person for you.

all you need is love.

today as i was stopped at a red light, i saw a man at the side of the road. he was white, probably 40 to 50 years old, clean shaven, and was wearing a white t-shirt, faded jeans, and a baseball cap. he was holding a sign that read, "father of two, out of work, selling water." there was a huge cooler a few feet from him and he was pacing the side of the road holding a water bottle searching for a friendly face. i could tell he'd been out there for hours and hadn't had much luck.

i looked away. i forced myself to keep looking directly ahead as the tears started to well up in my eyes. the faces of his two young children stared into my soul. i don't think i've ever hated myself more than i did the moment i drove away, staring straight ahead as if i had never seen him.

what is it that made me look away? the idea that i'm not supposed to talk to strangers or they'll rape me? or the idea that people holding signs asking for money are only going to use it to buy drugs? i knew when i looked at him that neither was the case, yet i still turned away.

i could almost feel God looking down on me and thinking, "shame on you." aren't we all here to help each other? why can't we all trust, love, and care for each other? i want that world so badly. but it can only happen if i put in the effort to try and make it a reality.

sweet and lovely.

haven't stopped thinking about that. I respect you so much.

I won't change myself for you. I love you and I'm sorry you're hurting, but I just don't know what else I can do.

I'm not so much mad, just glad I figured it out now rather than later.

thai food. SO good.

there's so much more to me

wrong choice of words, my friend.

is that really the best you can do?

i work so hard to maintain.

i hate cliques. why can't we all just love each other? i hate feeling excluded in a place i'm supposed to feel safe to be myself constantly. i thought i was through with this. obviously not. i just want to go to college already and be rid of this. although i can't be sure it'll go away. i just need a fresh group of people and make some new friends. and to realize there's life outside of the costa drama department. i forget sometimes.

i hate when you exclude me or disregard what i say in public situations. i try to bring up something fun and silly or make you laugh and you look away or turn to everyone else and say how dumb what i just said was. or when i have something important to tell you and you just don't care. we get along fine when it's just the two of us. but it's like you don't want everyone else to know you're actually friends with me. i don't know what you're problem is. oh, and that was gross. really really gross.

i hate that you're making a big deal out of NOTHING. no matter how many times i tell you it meant nothing you don't believe me. what you did hurt me too but i wasn't about to make a huge deal out of it or anything. i felt bad about it for a while but then i realized that i really did nothing wrong. i can't believe you compared me to her. this is not the same AT ALL. i don't want to lose your friendship, but i don't know what else to do.

you are extremely arrogant and immature. i'm glad to be rid of you. oh, and i sort of agree with what they said.

i can't now. and i'm sad that i can't, but i know it's for the best.

i wish i could love you. but wishing i could love you isn't really loving i suppose.

if anyone actually took the time to read this, i'm sorry. i just really needed to vent.

i'm not afraid

words cannot describe what i am feeling right now. i'm on top of the world! i'm so proud of myself and my cast. we've worked so hard and it's paying off. if we don't make it to finals, that's okay. getting the comments i got tonight from my peers means more than any trophy ever could. hearing one of my theatre idols tell me tonight was the best he's ever seen me perform and my scene is one of the best to go to fullerton in 3 to 4 years means the world to me. i just can't describe what i'm feeling. this is the best feeling in the world. now to just let go and perform from our hearts and have fun. that's what theatre is all about. i couldn't be more sure that i want to do this for the rest of my life. there's so much to learn out there and i want to learn it all.

i can die happy now. :)

ten.

i felt nothing. perhaps a bit empowered, but nothing in that sense.

the funny thing is i don't want your initials next to mine anymore. go ahead. write her initials next to yours. i honestly don't care.

in other news, i really need to learn to keep my mouth shut. i don't understand why i haven't learned it yet. i should just stop talking to everyone altogether. that would solve all of my problems. i hate this.

a shadow passed yearning for the fool it called a home.

I can't believe it's been a year. A whole year. I remember almost everything about that day. What I was wearing, what I was feeling, who I hugged, and the one beautiful boy who found positivity in the most terrible thing most of us could have imagined. How is it that the death of someone I didn't even know affected me so greatly? Maybe it's because I felt guilty about never having getting to know him. And I would never again have the chance to meet him. i felt guilty for not reaching out to someone who was having problems and needed help. i'm sure there was probably nothing i could have done, but the possibility is haunting.

i'm so grateful for the life i'm living and the people i have around me, supporting me and loving me. it's sad that it takes a tragedy like the one that happened last year to remind us, but life is short and we need to appreciate every moment. we have to stick together and be there for each other when we need help. we are all we have in this life. i need to remember to appreciate every moment and live my life with a smile.

i won't take that.

i hate what you do to me. but i've decided. i won't let you use me as your own personal confidence booster anymore. and don't tell me you don't know what i'm talking about, because i know very well that you know very well what you do to me. but please, can't you at least pretend not to hate me? that would be awesome.

catch me i'm falling.

i'm not sure this is even worth a blog post. but i've been feeling very bored with my life recently. i'm just caught up in my daily routine of school, rehearsal, go home. nothing exciting is happening.

i'm so blessed to have the life i have... but i just feel empty. things that used to make me laugh barely make me smile. my feelings are all jumbled around and nothing is making sense. i guess such is the life of a teenager. i need something. someone? i'm not sure what.

maybe this is wishful thinking...

i don't believe in such things as "lost causes". no one knows what's going to happen in the future, and no matter how small, i believe there is always a small possibility that something could happen.

i've been thinking a lot about you lately. the memories are comforting. i've gotten to that healthy point where the memories are less painful reminders of my failures, but reminders of how happy i was and how great things were. of course, i will always care about you. even though things are immensely different now, there will always be a small part of me that feels that way about you. but i've finally gotten to that point where i can remember you fondly without hating myself for losing you.

i'm glad you're happy. truly. and i'm not just saying that. i mean it. there will always be that small part of me that wishes i could have been the one to make you that happy, but regardless, i'm happy that you're happy.

i miss you though. can i have you back in my life?