my favorite things.

candles. twinkly lights. taylor swift. spontaneous guitar playing. getting dressed up. ice cubes. curling irons. roller coasters. rain. the beach. disney princesses. snow. tea with milk and sugar. long, hot showers. my journal. snuggling. fireplaces. girl scout cookies. castles. nice views. slow dancing. green tea frappuccinos. fuzzy socks. belgian waffles. photoshoots. old cars. gerber daisies. fireworks. hugs. hand written notes. ball gowns. napping in the sun. massages. sunsets. rocking out to loud music. skipping. laughing so hard i cry. making new friends. sleeping. heart to hearts. kettle bran muffins. lace. sweaters. walks. stars. heavy fog. people playing with my hair. smiles. adventures.

taking chances.

two epiphanies.

epiphany number one.

it takes a lot for me to admit that i actually learned something from mr. marx. the funny thing is that one of the most memorable things has nothing to do with government. he has this saying he uses called "whole-part-whole". the idea is that in order to solve a problem you have to look at the bigger picture first before solving the more specific problem. after making the part better, the whole becomes better. My epiphany came to me while i was in the car on my way to a voice lesson. the overall goal of my life on earth is HAPPINESS. when i'm making decisions i have to look at the bigger picture. what's going to ultimately make me the happiest person i can be? it's a selfish purpose, sure, but technically other unselfish things fit into that category. making other people happy makes me happy. i could say that i just figured out the meaning of life. maybe this isn't making sense. but it just clicked in my mind.

epiphany number two.

the way to nail an audition is to not think about the audition at all. i have to create a whole other world for myself to live in while i'm singing or performing a monologue in order to completely forget about the faces staring me down and judging my every move. not only does it help my nerves, but it makes the situation real for me and emotions and gestures come naturally. and it helps the audience believe me and see the images i want them to see. a emotional ballad becomes a comforting heart to heart talk with my best friend under the stars. and uptempo song becomes another silly day in the drama room. and that's where i feel more comfortable. with my best friend. in the drama room. and not in the audition room.

in this moment now. capture it, remember it.

i am the leading lady of my own life. i want to make everyone else happy. but no. this is my life. and i'm going to make it the kind of life i want to lead.

life can't be about last week or next week. it's about this week. this day. and in this day, i'm happy. the past is the past. the future hasn't happened yet.

i cannot be afraid of who i am and who i want to become. haha

just so you know, you make me smile.

(i'm smiling about you right now)

just another tuesday.

i thought a three day weekend would be enough for me to calm down and forget what happened, but it wasn't. i will never, never forgive you for what you did. you are immature and insensitive, and the fact that you don't realize how much you crossed the line is just infuriating. you are always right, always cool, always given special treatment. please, please, please realize what a terrible person you are, fix yourself, and get out of my life. because i'm getting really, really tired of you.

and you. thank you for being you. i don't think you realize what you mean to me. i don't think you ever will. we're not really close but you know more about me than most of people. you told me i was beautiful for no reason and unexpectedly attacked me with a long bear hug. you brightened my day. what could have been a crazy, hectic, terrible day became a beautiful one because you took the time out of your day to make me feel special. so thank you. the world needs more people like you.

p.s. i have faith in you. don't let other people's comments get in your way. give it everything you've got. i know you can do it.

p.p.s. if i die, blame marx.

i'm gonna teach you what love's all about...?

i'm excited.

heartbroken for some of my friends. i just want them to be happy and believe in their talents, because i sure do. 

excited beyond belief for some of my other friends. 

i feel like a terrible person. but i can't help being a little jealous. i'm trying my best to be a good sport about the whole thing. but i did want that part a lot. i knew she would get it; she was better than i was and she deserved it. it's just i remember all too well that that was me exactly last year...

this is the next best thing. it will be a challenge for me. i don't know where i'm gonna find that sexiness within me, but gosh darn it, i'm going to find it and i'm gonna rock this part. it won't be the same as last year, and i just have to accept that. i had my moment and now it's someone else's turn. i have to graciously let her have it and do my best at what i've been given.

i freaking have FOUR love interests... but i wish my character ended up with yours.

i'm glad i have the weekend to absorb it. and get over myself. and get excited. 

i had a picture for a while of my senior year. this wasn't it. it's kind of your fault. and mine for believing you. 

i gave up a lot for this show. and it will be worth it and it will be one of the most fun experiences of my life. i'll make sure of it.

after all, i believe with my whole heart that everything happens for a reason.

too much.

second post in one day. but seriously.

the tears will literally not stop running out of my face and i can barely even explain why i'm upset.

i hate when you yell at me when i cry. i'm not trying to win your sympathy. this is actually upsetting me a lot. i am not in the mood to be yelled at or lectured to. I KNOW i have loads to do, and i don't need you reminding me every minute. it's not making anything better.

i will never be good enough. for you, for him, or for him.

i hate that you think i don't care. i care about this more than anything. this is my whole life and my future. thing is that it's so scary. it's easier to say i didn't try than i gave it my all and wasn't good enough. i can't bring myself to do it because i'm afraid of rejection.

it's funny that the thing that gives me the most joy is also the thing that gives me the most pain.

my great adventure has not yet begun.

okay, you can't promise me something for five months and then at the last second change your mind. i get why you're changing your mind. but that doesn't make it okay.

i can't compete against 25 year old fresh out of college just came back from new york talents. i just can't. maybe i'd be able to in 8 years but not now. i'm proud of myself for holding my own. but i wanted to prove i could be better than them.

you said my shoulders might not be big enough just yet. and i had to fight back the tears. i want to believe that i can do anything i ever want to do. but you're right. i'm not good enough.

that being said, i would have done the exact same thing. minus the promise. they were better than me and i would have chose them too. i'm just disappointed is all.

even if you had kept your promise, i would feel really bad about it. you shouldn't have made that promise. you know it. i know. you led me on.

do i settle for something less than what i originally wanted? or do i just forget the whole thing altogether?

just like you said, the world of theatre is full of heartbreak and heartache. it will be like this for my entire life. do i have the emotional capability to deal with rejection day in and day out? but as they say, as one door closes, another one opens. i just hope that's the case with this situation.

"I have fought, I have cried. I've been broke, I've been bruised. Yet at the end of the day this life is what I still choose."

Who do you think you are?

It didn't go the way I expected it to. I'm not sure what I was expecting, but I'm sure that it wasn't what happened. I expected too much.

I can't do this anymore. 

Don't come back for me. Don't come back at all.

Check.

Hold my hand and call me dear. But make it mean something.

I'm glad I did and I'm also glad I didn't.

Pain in my chest.

Why did it take you so long to tell me? It's been 3 whole days. Don't I deserve to know quicker than that? Scratch that. You didn't even tell me, you told my sister.

How am I supposed to feel about this? I don't want this to happen at all. I thought you were invincible. I thought nothing could hurt you. I guess I was wrong.

Honestly this changes nothing. You still said what you said. I understand that it was in the heat of the moment, but I just cannot forgive you. I never felt loved by you. You're supposed to love me. That's your only job. I never received warm hugs or undying praise or home made chocolate chip cookies from you. Isn't that what everyone else gets?

I used to wish you would just go away. I feel terrible saying that, but it's true. What am I supposed to do if that wish comes true? I'm going to hate myself.

All this hate, this guilt, this sadness, this void; it's too much for me right now. I'm sorry this happened but I will not show up at your door with flowers.

goodbye 2010.

so i'm new to this whole blogging thing, but i thought today would be a good day to start. it's new year's eve and i'm looking back at my year. good times, bad times.

january- i honestly can't remember much about january. i hadn't started journaling yet so i forget a lot of what was going on. one thing i do remember though and will always remember is the wiz auditions. i was determined to get dorothy. i worked so hard. it took a lot to convince myself to give it my all without reservation. i was scared of failing and scared of getting my hopes up and then being crushed. but at the end of the day, i couldn't be more proud of myself for what i showed at auditions. i got the part and i don't think i've ever been so happy. i cried and cried and hugged my friends. my mom bought me a congratulations balloon. it was pretty much the best day of my life. i was so excited and so thrilled. it had been a dream of mine since elementary school to star in a mira costa show and i was going to fulfill that dream.

february- i started journaling. best decision ever. i didn't know how much i was really going to need it. i developed a huge crush on you. i spent hours daydreaming and journaling and being a silly teenage girl. we spent valentine's day together. i tried to learn how to flirt to get your attention. it was pretty pathetic. but it was really silly and fun. i didn't know what was going to happen and i figured i could do whatever i wanted and it was all up to me to make something happen between us. but i wasn't getting my hopes up just yet.

march- i started to realize how fast i was growing up and it scared me. i wanted time to slow down. my mom had another surgery. i had huge doubts about my ability to perform well in the wiz. i was really scared. i wasn't getting enough instruction and didn't know what to do. my voice wouldn't sound the way i wanted it to in rehearsal. i realized my biggest challenge wasn't getting the part but proving i deserved it. we brought the wiz to fullerton and won 2nd place. i finally realized that i could do it. i remember watching the musical theatre finals the year before and admiring the other schools so much, wishing someday i could be up there performing. it was surreal and so exciting. i sang in front of the huge crowd and felt at home. we kissed on the bus because of a dare. i couldn't believe it. i realized that i needed to take my life in my own hands and that if i wanted anything with you, i would have to take a huge chance. i was sick of waiting around and hoping. i told you i liked you. which was so hard for me. you told me you liked me too but that time was running out. and you were messed up from past relationships and were worried about hurting me. we promised to talk more in length another day. you kissed my cheek. i felt that kiss for the rest of the day. i didn't really know how to feel about it. i was proud of myself. i wished your response was just a little different. my friends said, "so are you ready to get over him now?" no. i wasn't. i was willing to do anything to convince you to try.

april- pretty big month. we finally talked out everything. it was the most honest, comfortable conversation i've ever had. we walked home under the stars. i had a hard time taking the rejection. i felt really terrible about myself. i didn't want anyone to know about it. the wiz opened and closed. i had the time of my life. i really sincerely miss that show. i felt so close to everyone. and i really needed it at the time. i really found myself and let down my barrier. i learned so much about myself and other people. it was really hard to say goodbye to what i had been living and breathing for at least a month. i got my permit. you reconsidered. you showed up outside my house and we decided to take the leap. i was beyond happy. i was confirmed. which i later learned was one of my grandmother's dying wishes.

may- we went on our first date. a picnic on the beach at sunset. you hid a piece of paper in my sandwich that said PROM? i said yes of course. late night texting, walks under the stars, surprising me outside my house, going to our spot. i'll spare everyone the annoying details. but i was happy. i felt really lucky to have you in my life. i was scared though. i knew our time together was limited. and i was scared of losing you. you were drifting away from your whole life here and i was holding on as best as i could. you did some things that made me worry a lot about you. but i knew i couldn't tell you because it wasn't my place to decide what you did.

june- i felt pressured. i learned some new things. prom. one of the best times of my life. with all of my friends and with you. choir concert. prelude to greece concert. breakfast club. drama banquet. time was going by too fast. i tried my best to put on a happy face and make the best of the time left, but inside i was hurting. my feelings for you grew every day. you drifted further and further away every day. we became best friends. i felt so comfortable with you and you felt so comfortable with me. i knew i'd never forget you and miss you more than anything. i saw you for the last time. i wasn't ready. i'll never forget the things you told me those last few hours. not only was a losing a boyfriend, but i was losing a best friend.

july- i missed you. i couldn't wait to see you again when you got back from all of your vacations. i knew it would be different, but i was under the assumption that we would hold onto our friendship. i started the best tradition ever. going to get jamba juice with one of my really good guy friends. we just talked about everything and i really needed it. how do i fit the rest of this month into a few sentences? i went to greece. i couldn't be more thankful for the experience. i really needed something to keep me busy and excited and i got that. i kept all of my hurt deep inside. it was the best time of my life but also the worst in a sense. every day was full of adventure, hard work, good food, singing, beautiful places, and ice cream. i can't even describe that trip. i felt really close to everyone. i dreaded coming home because reality would come back and i didn't want that at all. i did a show with bcd. that was fun. best part was getting closer to a really nice girl who is now one of my best friends.

august- reality hit as i expected it to. i spent too much time thinking about it. i guess this is when things with you, other person, not single, started, although i didn't notice it at the time. you got back with your ex. that made everything a million times worse. i cried myself to sleep. i had to let go for good. i felt so insignificant and so meaningless. the last few months now felt like a lie. i got lucky again and had something to keep me busy. unfortunately i signed a contract and can't say anything about it yet, but it had to do with san francisco and singing. it was sure an experience. i helped my sister move into college. it was hard to come to terms with us not being in each other's life 24/7 anymore. i couldn't say anything because i knew you were much more scared than i was. but i was so scared to be on my own. you, new guy, broke up with your girlfriend of a year, one of my good friends, and then told me you had feelings for me. i had no idea what to do.

september- senior year started. i was so scared and emotional but excited at the same time. i was looking forward to having a planned schedule again. one of my old friends from middle school who pretty much ruined my 8th grade year decided to go to costa. i didn't want her near me. i preferred when she wasn't in my life at all because she hurt me so much and made me feel really badly about myself. my ex from freshman year was being really annoying towards me and i didn't have the patience to deal with him. i went to choir retreat and became choir president. i was feeling really emotional about growing up so fast and i sobbed with my best friend under the stars. i will never forget that. ever. dining room started.

october- i went to homecoming with the homecoming king and started to become friends with him. i got really, really confused about boys and had feelings for a lot of people at once. i felt uneasy. i made a promise to myself that's been hard to keep but i know it's for the best. i turned 17 and had an amazing day. i started repairing my relationship with my dad. there were some really big fights a while back that i thought we wouldn't be able to get past. my sister felt differently but i wanted to try to forget it. it was causing more harm than good. i spent time with only him for the first time and we really bonded through our feelings about our religion and i felt happy to have him back in my life. i felt torn between my feelings for two specific people. i got my license. i got jamba juice with my friend and we finally talked about how we both had feelings for each other sophomore year. i was glad to know it wasn't one sided but it was a little disappointing that nothing had become of it. i got in a huge misunderstanding/fight with my ex from freshman year which really messed me up for a couple of days. i felt terrible. i got closer to a different guy. i was starting to get over you. i would never forget you. but i thought about you less and less. i felt freer and happier.

november- you showed up randomly at rehearsal. it threw me for a loop. i was not prepared. after 4 months i saw you again. everything came back. i was getting over you and seeing you again didn't help at all. i took some time alone. the guy confusion continued. i was getting emotionally invested in multiple people. i felt torn in more than two pieces. i got closer to my friend's ex. i knew it was a bad idea. he wasn't ready. he flirted with everyone else and hooked up with other people while trying to convince me he liked only me. i forgave him multiple times and tried to see the good in him. the dining room opened and closed. i didn't really like the show but i LOVED the experience. i got so much closer with everyone and felt like i could really let go and be myself. i decided on him, i guess. in the sense that i ended things with everyone else and decided to pursue him and only him. he couldn't do the same for me. it was foolish of me to think he was ready after a one year relationship.

december- next to normal, progressive dinner, rent, movie nights, the getty, the grove, college applications. i had ANOTHER fight with my ex from freshman year. it was getting out of hand. my friend told me how hurt she'd be if i dated her ex. i realized what i should have realized a long time ago. i ended things with you. you handled things really badly after that and i got mad at you, with good reason. i had a related argument with one of my friends and things got awkward and we stopped being friends. i had a moment of inspiration on christmas eve and decided to forgive everyone i was mad at. it was causing too much stress that i didn't need. and it was keeping me from a peace i needed and wanted. i felt better after.

i apologize for the novel. happy new year.