goodbye 2010.

so i'm new to this whole blogging thing, but i thought today would be a good day to start. it's new year's eve and i'm looking back at my year. good times, bad times.

january- i honestly can't remember much about january. i hadn't started journaling yet so i forget a lot of what was going on. one thing i do remember though and will always remember is the wiz auditions. i was determined to get dorothy. i worked so hard. it took a lot to convince myself to give it my all without reservation. i was scared of failing and scared of getting my hopes up and then being crushed. but at the end of the day, i couldn't be more proud of myself for what i showed at auditions. i got the part and i don't think i've ever been so happy. i cried and cried and hugged my friends. my mom bought me a congratulations balloon. it was pretty much the best day of my life. i was so excited and so thrilled. it had been a dream of mine since elementary school to star in a mira costa show and i was going to fulfill that dream.

february- i started journaling. best decision ever. i didn't know how much i was really going to need it. i developed a huge crush on you. i spent hours daydreaming and journaling and being a silly teenage girl. we spent valentine's day together. i tried to learn how to flirt to get your attention. it was pretty pathetic. but it was really silly and fun. i didn't know what was going to happen and i figured i could do whatever i wanted and it was all up to me to make something happen between us. but i wasn't getting my hopes up just yet.

march- i started to realize how fast i was growing up and it scared me. i wanted time to slow down. my mom had another surgery. i had huge doubts about my ability to perform well in the wiz. i was really scared. i wasn't getting enough instruction and didn't know what to do. my voice wouldn't sound the way i wanted it to in rehearsal. i realized my biggest challenge wasn't getting the part but proving i deserved it. we brought the wiz to fullerton and won 2nd place. i finally realized that i could do it. i remember watching the musical theatre finals the year before and admiring the other schools so much, wishing someday i could be up there performing. it was surreal and so exciting. i sang in front of the huge crowd and felt at home. we kissed on the bus because of a dare. i couldn't believe it. i realized that i needed to take my life in my own hands and that if i wanted anything with you, i would have to take a huge chance. i was sick of waiting around and hoping. i told you i liked you. which was so hard for me. you told me you liked me too but that time was running out. and you were messed up from past relationships and were worried about hurting me. we promised to talk more in length another day. you kissed my cheek. i felt that kiss for the rest of the day. i didn't really know how to feel about it. i was proud of myself. i wished your response was just a little different. my friends said, "so are you ready to get over him now?" no. i wasn't. i was willing to do anything to convince you to try.

april- pretty big month. we finally talked out everything. it was the most honest, comfortable conversation i've ever had. we walked home under the stars. i had a hard time taking the rejection. i felt really terrible about myself. i didn't want anyone to know about it. the wiz opened and closed. i had the time of my life. i really sincerely miss that show. i felt so close to everyone. and i really needed it at the time. i really found myself and let down my barrier. i learned so much about myself and other people. it was really hard to say goodbye to what i had been living and breathing for at least a month. i got my permit. you reconsidered. you showed up outside my house and we decided to take the leap. i was beyond happy. i was confirmed. which i later learned was one of my grandmother's dying wishes.

may- we went on our first date. a picnic on the beach at sunset. you hid a piece of paper in my sandwich that said PROM? i said yes of course. late night texting, walks under the stars, surprising me outside my house, going to our spot. i'll spare everyone the annoying details. but i was happy. i felt really lucky to have you in my life. i was scared though. i knew our time together was limited. and i was scared of losing you. you were drifting away from your whole life here and i was holding on as best as i could. you did some things that made me worry a lot about you. but i knew i couldn't tell you because it wasn't my place to decide what you did.

june- i felt pressured. i learned some new things. prom. one of the best times of my life. with all of my friends and with you. choir concert. prelude to greece concert. breakfast club. drama banquet. time was going by too fast. i tried my best to put on a happy face and make the best of the time left, but inside i was hurting. my feelings for you grew every day. you drifted further and further away every day. we became best friends. i felt so comfortable with you and you felt so comfortable with me. i knew i'd never forget you and miss you more than anything. i saw you for the last time. i wasn't ready. i'll never forget the things you told me those last few hours. not only was a losing a boyfriend, but i was losing a best friend.

july- i missed you. i couldn't wait to see you again when you got back from all of your vacations. i knew it would be different, but i was under the assumption that we would hold onto our friendship. i started the best tradition ever. going to get jamba juice with one of my really good guy friends. we just talked about everything and i really needed it. how do i fit the rest of this month into a few sentences? i went to greece. i couldn't be more thankful for the experience. i really needed something to keep me busy and excited and i got that. i kept all of my hurt deep inside. it was the best time of my life but also the worst in a sense. every day was full of adventure, hard work, good food, singing, beautiful places, and ice cream. i can't even describe that trip. i felt really close to everyone. i dreaded coming home because reality would come back and i didn't want that at all. i did a show with bcd. that was fun. best part was getting closer to a really nice girl who is now one of my best friends.

august- reality hit as i expected it to. i spent too much time thinking about it. i guess this is when things with you, other person, not single, started, although i didn't notice it at the time. you got back with your ex. that made everything a million times worse. i cried myself to sleep. i had to let go for good. i felt so insignificant and so meaningless. the last few months now felt like a lie. i got lucky again and had something to keep me busy. unfortunately i signed a contract and can't say anything about it yet, but it had to do with san francisco and singing. it was sure an experience. i helped my sister move into college. it was hard to come to terms with us not being in each other's life 24/7 anymore. i couldn't say anything because i knew you were much more scared than i was. but i was so scared to be on my own. you, new guy, broke up with your girlfriend of a year, one of my good friends, and then told me you had feelings for me. i had no idea what to do.

september- senior year started. i was so scared and emotional but excited at the same time. i was looking forward to having a planned schedule again. one of my old friends from middle school who pretty much ruined my 8th grade year decided to go to costa. i didn't want her near me. i preferred when she wasn't in my life at all because she hurt me so much and made me feel really badly about myself. my ex from freshman year was being really annoying towards me and i didn't have the patience to deal with him. i went to choir retreat and became choir president. i was feeling really emotional about growing up so fast and i sobbed with my best friend under the stars. i will never forget that. ever. dining room started.

october- i went to homecoming with the homecoming king and started to become friends with him. i got really, really confused about boys and had feelings for a lot of people at once. i felt uneasy. i made a promise to myself that's been hard to keep but i know it's for the best. i turned 17 and had an amazing day. i started repairing my relationship with my dad. there were some really big fights a while back that i thought we wouldn't be able to get past. my sister felt differently but i wanted to try to forget it. it was causing more harm than good. i spent time with only him for the first time and we really bonded through our feelings about our religion and i felt happy to have him back in my life. i felt torn between my feelings for two specific people. i got my license. i got jamba juice with my friend and we finally talked about how we both had feelings for each other sophomore year. i was glad to know it wasn't one sided but it was a little disappointing that nothing had become of it. i got in a huge misunderstanding/fight with my ex from freshman year which really messed me up for a couple of days. i felt terrible. i got closer to a different guy. i was starting to get over you. i would never forget you. but i thought about you less and less. i felt freer and happier.

november- you showed up randomly at rehearsal. it threw me for a loop. i was not prepared. after 4 months i saw you again. everything came back. i was getting over you and seeing you again didn't help at all. i took some time alone. the guy confusion continued. i was getting emotionally invested in multiple people. i felt torn in more than two pieces. i got closer to my friend's ex. i knew it was a bad idea. he wasn't ready. he flirted with everyone else and hooked up with other people while trying to convince me he liked only me. i forgave him multiple times and tried to see the good in him. the dining room opened and closed. i didn't really like the show but i LOVED the experience. i got so much closer with everyone and felt like i could really let go and be myself. i decided on him, i guess. in the sense that i ended things with everyone else and decided to pursue him and only him. he couldn't do the same for me. it was foolish of me to think he was ready after a one year relationship.

december- next to normal, progressive dinner, rent, movie nights, the getty, the grove, college applications. i had ANOTHER fight with my ex from freshman year. it was getting out of hand. my friend told me how hurt she'd be if i dated her ex. i realized what i should have realized a long time ago. i ended things with you. you handled things really badly after that and i got mad at you, with good reason. i had a related argument with one of my friends and things got awkward and we stopped being friends. i had a moment of inspiration on christmas eve and decided to forgive everyone i was mad at. it was causing too much stress that i didn't need. and it was keeping me from a peace i needed and wanted. i felt better after.

i apologize for the novel. happy new year.