little sheba.

you don't know what you've got till it's gone.

you are different. more into yourself instead of others. i get that you're living the life, and actually i'm very jealous of the memories you're making and the amazing friends you have. but i don't think you realize that you've changed. which is sad. you never ask me how i am. and for pity's sake, you haven't even ever seen where i go to college. that's a big deal to me.

and you've changed too. almost in the same way. something happened, i'm not sure what. your personality took a 180, and i don't know how to deal with it. i never imagined. but you're not the same person i loved. this idea has consumed you and has changed you.

and you. you grow further away from me every day without trying. i know you do try, but i'm not your top priority and i can't be, i understand. but please please try harder. i try too hard already, now it's your turn.

please come back. all of you.

i am horrible.

i hate that i'm like this. but seeing you like this makes me feel feelings i don't want to feel. i should be feeling proud, happy, nostalgic... but i feel these negative feelings. i wish... if only...

and then to think about what will happen in around a month... it hurts. i thought i would be fine with it, but now it's eating me on the inside.

you always told me never to go to bed mad at someone. but it looks like i'll be going to sleep pretty soon unless you say something first.

assumptions, assumptions.

feeling lost as ever. even though it's always what i wanted, do i still want it now after all this? how do i know?

wish i'd never grown up.

Take pictures in your mind of your childhood room
Memorize what it sounded like when your dad gets home
Remember the footsteps, remember the words said
And all your little brother's favorite songs

I just realized everything I have
Is someday gonna be gone

So here I am in my new apartment
In a big city, they just dropped me off
It's so much colder than I thought it would be
So I tuck myself in and turn my night light on

Wish I'd never grown up
I wish I'd never grown up

Oh, I don't wanna grow up, wish I'd never grown up
Could still be little
Oh, I don't wanna grow up, wish I'd never grown up
It could still be simple

Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
Just stay this little
Oh, darling, don't you ever grow up, don't you ever grow up
It could stay this simple

Won't let nobody hurt you
Won't let no one break your heart
And even through to you want to
Please try to never grow up

Don't you ever grow up
(Never grow up)
Just never grow up

can't sleep.

i decided a while ago that i would let you decide. because your happiness is much more important to me than my own. but that doesn't change the fact that it hurt. i know it's for the best. but still. falling in love with you was the best thing that's ever happened to me and i'm not ready to let that go. you have been the most important person to me for more than four months and i honestly don't know who i am without you. the thought of you with another girl breaks me. moving on is hard. but losing you is the worst.

5 days left with you and then the best chapter of my life closes.

here i am.

tonight. i need you.

i need someone.

i will always love you.

i really screwed myself over. i built my life around you and in a little more than a month you'll be gone. or rather, i'll be gone. how do i prepare myself for heartbreak? there's nothing like the feeling i feel for you. i have to tell you. i have to lay it all on the table. because i don't at all see us as a temporary or fleeting thing. as juvenile as it may sound, i want to be with you forever.

tied together with a smile.

i feel so distant from everyone. like i'm already drifting away. what's wrong with me?

4,3,2.

it was a test. i thought you would pass it no problem, but you didn't. should i wait until tomorrow? because what if you're doing the same thing?

p.s. someday i'll be living in a big old city and all you're ever gonna be is mean.

how sweet it is.

mmmm. mmmm.
so this is love, mmmm. so this is love.
so this is what makes life divine.
i'm all aglow, mmmm.
and now i know the key to all heaven is mine.
my heart has wings, mmmm. and i can fly.
i'll touch every star in the sky.
so this is the miracle that i've been dreaming of.
mmmm. so this is love.

can't get enough of you.

you take my breath away.
you help me breathe easy.

you mean the world to me.
you are my world of color.

selfish.

smile though your heart is aching. smile even though it's breaking. although there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by.

it's all i've ever wanted in my whole life. and i hate myself for it.

i'm only me when i'm with you.

it's just one of those days when i have to stop and think about how lucky i am.

"i want to cuddle with you forever."

"you know, it's weird. when we're together i'm not 100% there, just because it's so unbelievable. you're so wonderful and i can't believe i get to be with you."

i've never felt this way before in my whole life. it's incredible. i feel so completely like myself when i'm with you. and like there's a part of me missing when i'm not. there aren't any barriers. i can be so open and honest and myself and i love that.

the only bad part is when we have to go home.

just a few.

it was the worst thought that I've ever thought. And yet, I still can't get it out of my mind.

so tired. Mentally. Physically. Mostly emotionally.

worlds waiting for me to invent them.

I feel so humbly thankful. someone who will never know me indirectly believes in me. his loved ones trust me with fulfilling things he didn't have the chance to. i am so blessed and feel so inspired.

i really need to get over that. its becoming obsessive and i'm acting like a maniac.

i didn't stop thinking about you all day and then when i ran into you unexpectedly i acted stupid and now i can't stop beating myself up about it.

i'm trying to stay positive, but this is going to be the hardest thing in the whole world. i've never been so sad about being so happy.

perchance.

perchance three years ago i fell in love with him. or at least i thought so in my immature fourteen year old mind.

and today you said those same words and they generated the same feeling they did in me three years ago.

perchance this time it's real.

let's make this last forever.


[forever could never be long enough for me to feel like i've had long enough with you]

:) :(

i've never felt this way in my whole life. i am so completely happy. nothing can get me down. everything is beautiful. i can't believe i got this lucky. life is good. you just... AH.

here comes the bad news. classes start on august 18th, meaning i'd move in like a week before then. i can't. i need more time. i'm not ready to move on. and how am i supposed to be open to change and be the kind of person people want to be friends with when i'll still be so invested in my life back in mb? i'll be making the biggest change of my life and i'll be heart broken. why can't i just have one more year here?

ne dit personne.

I did it. I did it. I did it. I'm so proud of myself. I know I did the right thing. And on the bright side, I'll never ever have to do it again!

it took me 4 days, but the important thing is I did it!!!

now there's that other thing I have to do, which is going to be hard but not as hard as this was.

growing up takes responsibility man.

seventy two.

i never thought.

was it a dream?

i feel numb.

two.

two months today. you forgot, but it's okay. it doesn't change the fact that:

"you're always in my heart, always on my mind. when it all becomes too much, you're never far behind. and there's no one that comes close to you who could ever take your place."

bottle up all your fears and throw them out the door.

that's it. when someone looks back on my life, i want them to think, "she loved life. she made every day fun."

i'm going to start. loving life. and being completely present for every moment. i was given this wonderful thing called life for a reason.

lady marmalade.

something pretty magical happened to me today. I went to church on the choir tour for the first time since easter. It was a wonderfully uplifting service. With contemporary songs, choir singing, friendly faces and a powerful sermon. It's hard to explain what I was feeling, but I felt so close to god. God is pure love and it was such a powerful feeling to feel so emmersed in his love. I felt free of all bad things and at peace with everything; with the world, my friends, my circumstances, but most importantly, myself. I'm not usually the type that talks very openly about my relationship with god just because it's so personal and it's also sort of a taboo subject sometimes, but with the amount of feeling I was feeling, I wanted to say something about it. So I did. I tweeted a little harmless sentance saying how good I felt about everything. And then one of my friends tweeted back shut up. And it was one of the most hurtful things someone could have said to me. I get that not everyone is religious, and that's okay. But i think it goes without saying that you should attempt respect those who are. I can take most shallow insults, but when someone makes fun of me for being religious, that's when they've really crossed the line.

and that's when my perfectly lovely morning took a turn for the worse. I had been feeling nothing but love earlier, but then I felt resentment towards one of my good friends. And as we went back into the church to provide the music for the second service, I started to realize that no one was being respectful. A good guy friend had his arms crossed and a bitter look of dissaproval on his face during the sermon, another close girl friend rolled her eyes as we recited the our father from memory, and another guy friend was drawing cartoons while the girl I was already resenting alternated between talking to her friends and reading a book. And countless others had their heads resting on the pews ahead of them, completely asleep. I just didn't understand. The least they could have done was looked like they were listening or interested. They didn't have to hear every word or believe anything, but it's just that church means so much to so many people, and to see people disrespecting it is just hurtful.

and then you. i spent so much of this year comparing myself to you, trying to be better than you, trying to prove that i could stay friends with you through everything... but today i finally realized that none of it is worth it. you can be selfish and fake and just plain mean. and although sometimes you can be super fun and the life of the party, thats all you'll ever be. and im happy being myself instead of you. even if i never succeed and you do, im happy in my own skin.

great expectations.

i expect too much. i know. you're a really busy person, i get it. i should be lucky that you manage to find time for me at all. but i just want to feel wanted by you. lately this has become a routine. you do things because you feel like you have to, not because you actually want to. i make such an effort just to be shut down. it's become too comfortable for you. the thrill of the chase is gone. i miss the magic.

so damn unpretty

i can't believe i'm about to blog about this. i don't talk about this with anyone. but here goes.

i have been fighting against my acne since 6th grade. i mean, granted, some people have it much, much  worse than i do, but it's definitely a problem. sometimes it's better and sometimes it's worse. on those days that it's worse, i legitimately want to fall in a hole and die. i get so frustrated that i can't look perfect and i get so self conscious that i just can't look people in the face sometimes. i get up at 5:30 in the morning because it takes me a half an hour to put on my makeup. and i hate it. as silly as it may seem, it's almost a roadblock in my life. i let it defeat me constantly. i'm currently having one of those days where i literally can't think about anything else except how ugly i feel. i have tried everything. benzaclin, neutrogena, proactiv, epiduo, doxycicline, murad, lancome... you name it, it's been on my face.

i play these moments over and over and over in my head...

the day i was working on a group project in french class and had a really terrible blemish on my cheek and just covered half of my face with my hair and the girl i was working with gave me this look like "what's wrong with her?"

in greece during a break from rehearsal when jesse crum turned to me and said, "your face is bleeding..." and i ran to the bathroom and hid for about ten minutes until i had to go back to rehearsal.

i just want to put a bag over my head. or be a hermit. yeah. but really. i just want to feel pretty for once. to feel comfortable in my own skin. to maybe be in the presence of another person with no makeup on someday.

i realize this is a problem. the way i feel about myself. i wish it weren't this way. and someday, i'll get better. but right now, i guess i'll just have to wait it out.

your words don't translate.

"where are you going to school?"
"boston conservatory."
"isn't that like... a music school?"
"yeah."
"oh. are your parents like super rich or something?"
"no. they're actually pretty poor."
"well then that's not a very dependable future for you."
"i don't care."
"what's your plan B?"
"i don't have a plan B."
"that's not smart. you should minor in something like economics."
"no."
"why?"
"because i don't want to."
"well i mean you're not going to make any money."
"you know what? i don't care. i care more about my happiness than money. i would rather be dirt poor living a life i love than have a ton of money and hate my job."

i finally turned away and put my head on my desk.

"i hope she's not crying. i didn't mean to make her upset."

well. TOO BAD. you did. and all i have to say is:

fuck you. fuck you very, very much.

i don't need you to tell me how to live my life. i'm going to give everything i have to my dreams so that i never have to look back and think, "what if?" i really genuinely hope someday i can look back and be able to say you were wrong.

wishing only wounds the heart...

this is what i get. for dreaming. for believing that beautiful miracles can happen to girls like me. a poor little girl in a rich man's world.

i just thought that things would be different this time. that somehow the world would figure out a way to let me live my dream. i just feel hopeless and worthless and crappy. after all that, you don't realize how much i want to go to your school and how little money i have?

it felt right. everyone was so proud of me and so happy for me. they were all so optimistic it was going to work out. i finally felt proud of where i was going to school. it made me feel like i was worth something. like i had a chance in this world. guess not.

red gladiolus.

that's the kind of thing every girl daydreams about. and when it happened to me, all i could say was, "that's so sweet." and hug him back.

it's true, i did have feelings for him at a point, but now, as silly as it seems, i tried to picture us together and just couldn't. and then i wondered how different things would be if i had ended up with him, him, him, him, him, or him. and then after that silly little thought, i realized that given the chance, i wouldn't choose anyone else but you.

i may be the stupidest, most selfish, and most masochistic girl ever, but screw everything. i'm HAPPY. and as long as you feel the same way, i'm going to continue taking this leap with you.

couldn't wait to get going but wasn't quite ready to leave.

i never thought i'd be here. NEVER. and now here i am trying to plan my senior speech. how can i even try to convey what the past four years has meant to me? how do i let people know how dear i hold them in my heart? how do i attempt to keep everything together when really i'll feel like my whole world is crashing down around me? how do i move on from the magical place i've dedicated four years of my life? how do i leave these people behind?

i can't.

i hope you don't mind...

i made a solemn vow to never forget these words:

"i think you're the most beautiful, most amazing, most incredible person I've ever met ever. I know it's only been a short time, but wednesday seems like ages ago. When I left school today I thought, 'you know, I really miss kellianne.' i just want to be around you all the time."

I almost got sentimental, but I held my tongue. You mean so much to me.

I hope you don't mind that I put down in words how wonderful life is now you're in the world...

near, far, wherever you are.

I've been trying all day to come up with a way to convey how I feel about you. I've only come up with one that came close...

it's like there's a string that's attached to my heart on one end and attached to yours on the other. It keeps tugging and tugging. Pulling me closer to you every day. When you're gone it keeps tugging on my heart. What's scaring me is the moment when you'll cut the string. I know it'll happen. And it'll pull my heart straight out of my chest.

365.

a whole year ago. it seemed like yesterday. for some reason this day will always be imprinted on my mind. april 26. it was the day my dreams came true.

now you seem lifetimes away from me.

it's inevitable.

I get excited to wake up at 5:30 in the morning and sit through a painful day of school just because I know I'll get to see you.

you should know I think about you 24 hours a day. And I've come to the conclusion that you're perfect. Absolutely, undeniably perfect. How did I get so lucky?

i had the best day with you [yesterday].

everything fell into place.

home.
flowers.
double surprises.
sweet kisses and sweet words.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7...
stupid boys proving me right.
best friend heart to heart.
peace of mind.
cuddles, snoring, deep sleep.

the times they are a-changin'

I just saw my cousin again for the first time in 5 years. It was really strange. I barely recognized him. And of course there was a lot of awkwardness, especially in the beginning.

Oh, and he's gay. Big change. I had my suspicions for a while, but actually seeing him set the record straight. He had really coiffed and styled hair, gold studs, a pink flannel, and a little sidebag. And he mentioned that he's dating a really great guy. This probably sounds like I dissaprove of him, but of course I don't! It's just a lot to get used to. The last time I saw him he was dating a really nice girl who was on his school's swim team. he's changed so much. It's just hard to wrap my head around.

Any way, the point of this blog was that it really made me realize how fast time flies. We reminisced about the good old days in new jersey. It seems like just yesterday that we were playing with spice girl barbies in his attic, putting on little plays like Annie, beauty and the beast, and Harry potter, and performing Britney spears dances for our relatives. And it's horrible that I've let 5 years slip by without making any effort to keep in touch with my own cousin. Family is so important. I realized that I really need to do a better job of spreading love and keeping in touch and so on.

I'm really proud of my cousin for embracing who he is and feeling so comfortable in his own skin. And he is so happy; I can tell. I hope one day I can find the same peace of mind that he has.

Jump.

I saw a rainy Boston, a windy Pittsburgh, and have yet to see Philadelphia. But really, when it comes right down to it, if I could choose any place in the world to be right now, it'd be wherever you are.

I don't want to think about losing you.

i would go most anywhere to feel like i belong.

where will i end up? it's scary that i'll know the answer to this question in one month. i have one month to decide the place i will live and study at for the next four years of my life. wherever i choose to go, it'll change me and my life significantly and will determine the path i will take after college. this is scary. i can't handle it.

i don't know how it gets better than this.

am i allowed to be this happy? how do i deserve this?

i want to make you happy. i want to be a better person for you.

all you need is love.

today as i was stopped at a red light, i saw a man at the side of the road. he was white, probably 40 to 50 years old, clean shaven, and was wearing a white t-shirt, faded jeans, and a baseball cap. he was holding a sign that read, "father of two, out of work, selling water." there was a huge cooler a few feet from him and he was pacing the side of the road holding a water bottle searching for a friendly face. i could tell he'd been out there for hours and hadn't had much luck.

i looked away. i forced myself to keep looking directly ahead as the tears started to well up in my eyes. the faces of his two young children stared into my soul. i don't think i've ever hated myself more than i did the moment i drove away, staring straight ahead as if i had never seen him.

what is it that made me look away? the idea that i'm not supposed to talk to strangers or they'll rape me? or the idea that people holding signs asking for money are only going to use it to buy drugs? i knew when i looked at him that neither was the case, yet i still turned away.

i could almost feel God looking down on me and thinking, "shame on you." aren't we all here to help each other? why can't we all trust, love, and care for each other? i want that world so badly. but it can only happen if i put in the effort to try and make it a reality.

sweet and lovely.

haven't stopped thinking about that. I respect you so much.

I won't change myself for you. I love you and I'm sorry you're hurting, but I just don't know what else I can do.

I'm not so much mad, just glad I figured it out now rather than later.

thai food. SO good.

there's so much more to me

wrong choice of words, my friend.

is that really the best you can do?

i work so hard to maintain.

i hate cliques. why can't we all just love each other? i hate feeling excluded in a place i'm supposed to feel safe to be myself constantly. i thought i was through with this. obviously not. i just want to go to college already and be rid of this. although i can't be sure it'll go away. i just need a fresh group of people and make some new friends. and to realize there's life outside of the costa drama department. i forget sometimes.

i hate when you exclude me or disregard what i say in public situations. i try to bring up something fun and silly or make you laugh and you look away or turn to everyone else and say how dumb what i just said was. or when i have something important to tell you and you just don't care. we get along fine when it's just the two of us. but it's like you don't want everyone else to know you're actually friends with me. i don't know what you're problem is. oh, and that was gross. really really gross.

i hate that you're making a big deal out of NOTHING. no matter how many times i tell you it meant nothing you don't believe me. what you did hurt me too but i wasn't about to make a huge deal out of it or anything. i felt bad about it for a while but then i realized that i really did nothing wrong. i can't believe you compared me to her. this is not the same AT ALL. i don't want to lose your friendship, but i don't know what else to do.

you are extremely arrogant and immature. i'm glad to be rid of you. oh, and i sort of agree with what they said.

i can't now. and i'm sad that i can't, but i know it's for the best.

i wish i could love you. but wishing i could love you isn't really loving i suppose.

if anyone actually took the time to read this, i'm sorry. i just really needed to vent.

i'm not afraid

words cannot describe what i am feeling right now. i'm on top of the world! i'm so proud of myself and my cast. we've worked so hard and it's paying off. if we don't make it to finals, that's okay. getting the comments i got tonight from my peers means more than any trophy ever could. hearing one of my theatre idols tell me tonight was the best he's ever seen me perform and my scene is one of the best to go to fullerton in 3 to 4 years means the world to me. i just can't describe what i'm feeling. this is the best feeling in the world. now to just let go and perform from our hearts and have fun. that's what theatre is all about. i couldn't be more sure that i want to do this for the rest of my life. there's so much to learn out there and i want to learn it all.

i can die happy now. :)

ten.

i felt nothing. perhaps a bit empowered, but nothing in that sense.

the funny thing is i don't want your initials next to mine anymore. go ahead. write her initials next to yours. i honestly don't care.

in other news, i really need to learn to keep my mouth shut. i don't understand why i haven't learned it yet. i should just stop talking to everyone altogether. that would solve all of my problems. i hate this.

a shadow passed yearning for the fool it called a home.

I can't believe it's been a year. A whole year. I remember almost everything about that day. What I was wearing, what I was feeling, who I hugged, and the one beautiful boy who found positivity in the most terrible thing most of us could have imagined. How is it that the death of someone I didn't even know affected me so greatly? Maybe it's because I felt guilty about never having getting to know him. And I would never again have the chance to meet him. i felt guilty for not reaching out to someone who was having problems and needed help. i'm sure there was probably nothing i could have done, but the possibility is haunting.

i'm so grateful for the life i'm living and the people i have around me, supporting me and loving me. it's sad that it takes a tragedy like the one that happened last year to remind us, but life is short and we need to appreciate every moment. we have to stick together and be there for each other when we need help. we are all we have in this life. i need to remember to appreciate every moment and live my life with a smile.

i won't take that.

i hate what you do to me. but i've decided. i won't let you use me as your own personal confidence booster anymore. and don't tell me you don't know what i'm talking about, because i know very well that you know very well what you do to me. but please, can't you at least pretend not to hate me? that would be awesome.

catch me i'm falling.

i'm not sure this is even worth a blog post. but i've been feeling very bored with my life recently. i'm just caught up in my daily routine of school, rehearsal, go home. nothing exciting is happening.

i'm so blessed to have the life i have... but i just feel empty. things that used to make me laugh barely make me smile. my feelings are all jumbled around and nothing is making sense. i guess such is the life of a teenager. i need something. someone? i'm not sure what.

maybe this is wishful thinking...

i don't believe in such things as "lost causes". no one knows what's going to happen in the future, and no matter how small, i believe there is always a small possibility that something could happen.

i've been thinking a lot about you lately. the memories are comforting. i've gotten to that healthy point where the memories are less painful reminders of my failures, but reminders of how happy i was and how great things were. of course, i will always care about you. even though things are immensely different now, there will always be a small part of me that feels that way about you. but i've finally gotten to that point where i can remember you fondly without hating myself for losing you.

i'm glad you're happy. truly. and i'm not just saying that. i mean it. there will always be that small part of me that wishes i could have been the one to make you that happy, but regardless, i'm happy that you're happy.

i miss you though. can i have you back in my life?

shoot the moon.

i have such big dreams. and those dreams happen to be the same as thousands of other people. but i don't care. performing is what i live for. i need it. i can't imagine myself happy doing anything else. it's going to be a hard road. heck, it's already been one hell of a road. but it's still the life i would choose every time. setbacks are hard to deal with. i'm pretty bad at taking criticism or rejection. but they never manage to get me to give up. they make me want to be better.

my dreams are so far fetched. there's no reason why my dreams should come true over the thousands of others who want it just as badly as i do. but i can't give up hope. i only have one life to live, and i have to give 100% of myself to my dreams. i wouldn't be able to live with myself if i didn't try as hard as i could have and never succeeded. i'm going to do what makes me happy no matter how many times it makes me sad.

the end of the world.

things keep going wrong.

i am absolutely crushed. it's been a whole 24 hours. the initial sting is gone, but every time i think about it i want to cry. buckets and buckets. but then again, crying about it won't change anything. i wish it could.

life seems to be going all sorts of wrongs these days. i hate to be so pessimistic. but my future is in jeopardy right now and i got it in my head that this was the only path to success. it felt right. and then it didn't want me. see any patterns? i do.

but then after a ridiculously terrible morning i went and had the nicest day. it just goes to show that there's always a rainbow on the other side.

i will be happy again. eventually. but for right now it's back to the fake smiles and the fake air of happiness until i really do feel better.

i can't dismiss...

i changed myself for you.

it didn't start out that way, but the whole time i just kept thinking about you.

and the part that sucks is that i know you wouldn't change yourself for me. you shouldn't have to.

p.s. you left me with a secret. and i will keep it. it's not my favorite secret to have to keep, but it's the only proof i have that you ever cared about me. so i will keep it.

beautiful.

i am a sucker for that word.

that text. that note.

you made my heart flutter.

every word you say i think i should write down. don't wanna forget come daylight.

no need to wonder what's been on my mind.

it's you.

it's you.

it's you.

i give up. i let you win.

reunion?

awkward greetings.
small talk.
box of chocolates.
taco casserole.
pumpkin ice cream.
"how's rehearsal?"
"how's school?"
"how's colleen?"
"how's choir?"

"when can you go visit and susie in paris?"

"how many AP classes are you in again?"

"do you take zero period?"

"when do you go to bed?"
my own grandma still doesn't know my name. and when she remembers it, she pronounces it "kewwianne." and it makes me want to barf a little.
those awkward references to my mom that just make everyone go stiff for a second.
that fight where my dad insists he's almost fluent in spanish and my grandma disagrees.
my teary-eyed dad recalling the wiz.
remembering how adventurous i was that one night i went out to dinner with my dad. and then another five minutes trying to remember the name of the restaurant and then not remembering.

for about an hour stuck back in that world where i'm shy, reserved, polite, awkward, and cautious. it's strange how uncomfortable i can be around my own family. i'm constantly on guard. making sure not to say the wrong thing. i don't want to get hurt again.

when you wish upon a star

sometimes that wish just cannot and will not come true.

i know this one won't.

i wish.

All I know is that you're so nice
You're the nicest thing I've seen
I wish that we could give it a go
See if we could be something

I wish I was your favorite girl
I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world
I wish my smile was your favorite kind of smile
I wish the way that I dressed was your favorite kind of style

I wish you couldn't figure me out
But you always wanna know what I was about
I wish you'd hold my hand
When I was upset
I wish you'd never forget
The look on my face when we first met

I wish you had a favorite beauty spot
That you loved secretly
'Cause it was on a hidden bit
That nobody else could see
Basically, I wish that you loved me
I wish that you needed me
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars,
Actually I meant three

I wish that without me your heart would break
I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake
I wish that without me you couldn't eat
I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep

Look, all I know is that you're the nicest thing I've ever seen
And I wish that we could see if we could be something
Yeah I wish that we could see if we could be something

bittersweet.

even though today was a horribly terrible day, it still managed to be one of those days I'll remember for a while. And for one specific reason: I have so many amazing friends that are there for me through everything, even when I'm being overdramatic and whiny. i forget sometimes and i hate that i realize it only during difficult times. if you ever read this, thank you meg luthringer, thank you delphi borich, thank you kristin o'brien, thank you madison swart, thank you laurel anderson, thank you oriana inferrera, thank you maria hanley, thank you eli rivas, thank you dylan colbert, thank you kendall busby, thank you adeline allen, thank you matt phillips, thank you jordan johnson, thank you carol mathews (haha). just thank you so much. you'll never know how much today meant to me, from all of you. even a hug or a smile just helped me so much.

thank you for being there for me. I'm so lucky and so blessed to have all of you in my life.

p.s. After writing and then never posting many blogs concerning my current situation, I'm glad this is the one I chose.

dreams.

i want this with every fiber of my being. there's no other way to put it.

everything is done. there's nothing else i can do but wait. this is going to be the longest 5 weeks of my entire life.

i'm going to pray every night for this. not that that can really change anything, but i'm gonna do it any way.

please universe. please let this dream come true. please.

please.

i am going to do something really special with my life.

"you're not pretty enough."

"you're not smart enough."

"you're not skinny enough."

"you're not talented enough."

it's time to stop playing those tapes over in my head. i only have this one life to live. and i'm going to make something of it and spend every day the best way i know how to.

"Let go of feeling you are anything but beautiful. Let go of thinking you can't do this on your own. Let go of being scared that you might not be good enough. Let go of saying you were meant to be alone." Edges never stops surprising me with how accurately it applies to my life.

my favorite things.

candles. twinkly lights. taylor swift. spontaneous guitar playing. getting dressed up. ice cubes. curling irons. roller coasters. rain. the beach. disney princesses. snow. tea with milk and sugar. long, hot showers. my journal. snuggling. fireplaces. girl scout cookies. castles. nice views. slow dancing. green tea frappuccinos. fuzzy socks. belgian waffles. photoshoots. old cars. gerber daisies. fireworks. hugs. hand written notes. ball gowns. napping in the sun. massages. sunsets. rocking out to loud music. skipping. laughing so hard i cry. making new friends. sleeping. heart to hearts. kettle bran muffins. lace. sweaters. walks. stars. heavy fog. people playing with my hair. smiles. adventures.

taking chances.

two epiphanies.

epiphany number one.

it takes a lot for me to admit that i actually learned something from mr. marx. the funny thing is that one of the most memorable things has nothing to do with government. he has this saying he uses called "whole-part-whole". the idea is that in order to solve a problem you have to look at the bigger picture first before solving the more specific problem. after making the part better, the whole becomes better. My epiphany came to me while i was in the car on my way to a voice lesson. the overall goal of my life on earth is HAPPINESS. when i'm making decisions i have to look at the bigger picture. what's going to ultimately make me the happiest person i can be? it's a selfish purpose, sure, but technically other unselfish things fit into that category. making other people happy makes me happy. i could say that i just figured out the meaning of life. maybe this isn't making sense. but it just clicked in my mind.

epiphany number two.

the way to nail an audition is to not think about the audition at all. i have to create a whole other world for myself to live in while i'm singing or performing a monologue in order to completely forget about the faces staring me down and judging my every move. not only does it help my nerves, but it makes the situation real for me and emotions and gestures come naturally. and it helps the audience believe me and see the images i want them to see. a emotional ballad becomes a comforting heart to heart talk with my best friend under the stars. and uptempo song becomes another silly day in the drama room. and that's where i feel more comfortable. with my best friend. in the drama room. and not in the audition room.

in this moment now. capture it, remember it.

i am the leading lady of my own life. i want to make everyone else happy. but no. this is my life. and i'm going to make it the kind of life i want to lead.

life can't be about last week or next week. it's about this week. this day. and in this day, i'm happy. the past is the past. the future hasn't happened yet.

i cannot be afraid of who i am and who i want to become. haha

just so you know, you make me smile.

(i'm smiling about you right now)

just another tuesday.

i thought a three day weekend would be enough for me to calm down and forget what happened, but it wasn't. i will never, never forgive you for what you did. you are immature and insensitive, and the fact that you don't realize how much you crossed the line is just infuriating. you are always right, always cool, always given special treatment. please, please, please realize what a terrible person you are, fix yourself, and get out of my life. because i'm getting really, really tired of you.

and you. thank you for being you. i don't think you realize what you mean to me. i don't think you ever will. we're not really close but you know more about me than most of people. you told me i was beautiful for no reason and unexpectedly attacked me with a long bear hug. you brightened my day. what could have been a crazy, hectic, terrible day became a beautiful one because you took the time out of your day to make me feel special. so thank you. the world needs more people like you.

p.s. i have faith in you. don't let other people's comments get in your way. give it everything you've got. i know you can do it.

p.p.s. if i die, blame marx.

i'm gonna teach you what love's all about...?

i'm excited.

heartbroken for some of my friends. i just want them to be happy and believe in their talents, because i sure do. 

excited beyond belief for some of my other friends. 

i feel like a terrible person. but i can't help being a little jealous. i'm trying my best to be a good sport about the whole thing. but i did want that part a lot. i knew she would get it; she was better than i was and she deserved it. it's just i remember all too well that that was me exactly last year...

this is the next best thing. it will be a challenge for me. i don't know where i'm gonna find that sexiness within me, but gosh darn it, i'm going to find it and i'm gonna rock this part. it won't be the same as last year, and i just have to accept that. i had my moment and now it's someone else's turn. i have to graciously let her have it and do my best at what i've been given.

i freaking have FOUR love interests... but i wish my character ended up with yours.

i'm glad i have the weekend to absorb it. and get over myself. and get excited. 

i had a picture for a while of my senior year. this wasn't it. it's kind of your fault. and mine for believing you. 

i gave up a lot for this show. and it will be worth it and it will be one of the most fun experiences of my life. i'll make sure of it.

after all, i believe with my whole heart that everything happens for a reason.

too much.

second post in one day. but seriously.

the tears will literally not stop running out of my face and i can barely even explain why i'm upset.

i hate when you yell at me when i cry. i'm not trying to win your sympathy. this is actually upsetting me a lot. i am not in the mood to be yelled at or lectured to. I KNOW i have loads to do, and i don't need you reminding me every minute. it's not making anything better.

i will never be good enough. for you, for him, or for him.

i hate that you think i don't care. i care about this more than anything. this is my whole life and my future. thing is that it's so scary. it's easier to say i didn't try than i gave it my all and wasn't good enough. i can't bring myself to do it because i'm afraid of rejection.

it's funny that the thing that gives me the most joy is also the thing that gives me the most pain.

my great adventure has not yet begun.

okay, you can't promise me something for five months and then at the last second change your mind. i get why you're changing your mind. but that doesn't make it okay.

i can't compete against 25 year old fresh out of college just came back from new york talents. i just can't. maybe i'd be able to in 8 years but not now. i'm proud of myself for holding my own. but i wanted to prove i could be better than them.

you said my shoulders might not be big enough just yet. and i had to fight back the tears. i want to believe that i can do anything i ever want to do. but you're right. i'm not good enough.

that being said, i would have done the exact same thing. minus the promise. they were better than me and i would have chose them too. i'm just disappointed is all.

even if you had kept your promise, i would feel really bad about it. you shouldn't have made that promise. you know it. i know. you led me on.

do i settle for something less than what i originally wanted? or do i just forget the whole thing altogether?

just like you said, the world of theatre is full of heartbreak and heartache. it will be like this for my entire life. do i have the emotional capability to deal with rejection day in and day out? but as they say, as one door closes, another one opens. i just hope that's the case with this situation.

"I have fought, I have cried. I've been broke, I've been bruised. Yet at the end of the day this life is what I still choose."

Who do you think you are?

It didn't go the way I expected it to. I'm not sure what I was expecting, but I'm sure that it wasn't what happened. I expected too much.

I can't do this anymore. 

Don't come back for me. Don't come back at all.

Check.

Hold my hand and call me dear. But make it mean something.

I'm glad I did and I'm also glad I didn't.

Pain in my chest.

Why did it take you so long to tell me? It's been 3 whole days. Don't I deserve to know quicker than that? Scratch that. You didn't even tell me, you told my sister.

How am I supposed to feel about this? I don't want this to happen at all. I thought you were invincible. I thought nothing could hurt you. I guess I was wrong.

Honestly this changes nothing. You still said what you said. I understand that it was in the heat of the moment, but I just cannot forgive you. I never felt loved by you. You're supposed to love me. That's your only job. I never received warm hugs or undying praise or home made chocolate chip cookies from you. Isn't that what everyone else gets?

I used to wish you would just go away. I feel terrible saying that, but it's true. What am I supposed to do if that wish comes true? I'm going to hate myself.

All this hate, this guilt, this sadness, this void; it's too much for me right now. I'm sorry this happened but I will not show up at your door with flowers.

goodbye 2010.

so i'm new to this whole blogging thing, but i thought today would be a good day to start. it's new year's eve and i'm looking back at my year. good times, bad times.

january- i honestly can't remember much about january. i hadn't started journaling yet so i forget a lot of what was going on. one thing i do remember though and will always remember is the wiz auditions. i was determined to get dorothy. i worked so hard. it took a lot to convince myself to give it my all without reservation. i was scared of failing and scared of getting my hopes up and then being crushed. but at the end of the day, i couldn't be more proud of myself for what i showed at auditions. i got the part and i don't think i've ever been so happy. i cried and cried and hugged my friends. my mom bought me a congratulations balloon. it was pretty much the best day of my life. i was so excited and so thrilled. it had been a dream of mine since elementary school to star in a mira costa show and i was going to fulfill that dream.

february- i started journaling. best decision ever. i didn't know how much i was really going to need it. i developed a huge crush on you. i spent hours daydreaming and journaling and being a silly teenage girl. we spent valentine's day together. i tried to learn how to flirt to get your attention. it was pretty pathetic. but it was really silly and fun. i didn't know what was going to happen and i figured i could do whatever i wanted and it was all up to me to make something happen between us. but i wasn't getting my hopes up just yet.

march- i started to realize how fast i was growing up and it scared me. i wanted time to slow down. my mom had another surgery. i had huge doubts about my ability to perform well in the wiz. i was really scared. i wasn't getting enough instruction and didn't know what to do. my voice wouldn't sound the way i wanted it to in rehearsal. i realized my biggest challenge wasn't getting the part but proving i deserved it. we brought the wiz to fullerton and won 2nd place. i finally realized that i could do it. i remember watching the musical theatre finals the year before and admiring the other schools so much, wishing someday i could be up there performing. it was surreal and so exciting. i sang in front of the huge crowd and felt at home. we kissed on the bus because of a dare. i couldn't believe it. i realized that i needed to take my life in my own hands and that if i wanted anything with you, i would have to take a huge chance. i was sick of waiting around and hoping. i told you i liked you. which was so hard for me. you told me you liked me too but that time was running out. and you were messed up from past relationships and were worried about hurting me. we promised to talk more in length another day. you kissed my cheek. i felt that kiss for the rest of the day. i didn't really know how to feel about it. i was proud of myself. i wished your response was just a little different. my friends said, "so are you ready to get over him now?" no. i wasn't. i was willing to do anything to convince you to try.

april- pretty big month. we finally talked out everything. it was the most honest, comfortable conversation i've ever had. we walked home under the stars. i had a hard time taking the rejection. i felt really terrible about myself. i didn't want anyone to know about it. the wiz opened and closed. i had the time of my life. i really sincerely miss that show. i felt so close to everyone. and i really needed it at the time. i really found myself and let down my barrier. i learned so much about myself and other people. it was really hard to say goodbye to what i had been living and breathing for at least a month. i got my permit. you reconsidered. you showed up outside my house and we decided to take the leap. i was beyond happy. i was confirmed. which i later learned was one of my grandmother's dying wishes.

may- we went on our first date. a picnic on the beach at sunset. you hid a piece of paper in my sandwich that said PROM? i said yes of course. late night texting, walks under the stars, surprising me outside my house, going to our spot. i'll spare everyone the annoying details. but i was happy. i felt really lucky to have you in my life. i was scared though. i knew our time together was limited. and i was scared of losing you. you were drifting away from your whole life here and i was holding on as best as i could. you did some things that made me worry a lot about you. but i knew i couldn't tell you because it wasn't my place to decide what you did.

june- i felt pressured. i learned some new things. prom. one of the best times of my life. with all of my friends and with you. choir concert. prelude to greece concert. breakfast club. drama banquet. time was going by too fast. i tried my best to put on a happy face and make the best of the time left, but inside i was hurting. my feelings for you grew every day. you drifted further and further away every day. we became best friends. i felt so comfortable with you and you felt so comfortable with me. i knew i'd never forget you and miss you more than anything. i saw you for the last time. i wasn't ready. i'll never forget the things you told me those last few hours. not only was a losing a boyfriend, but i was losing a best friend.

july- i missed you. i couldn't wait to see you again when you got back from all of your vacations. i knew it would be different, but i was under the assumption that we would hold onto our friendship. i started the best tradition ever. going to get jamba juice with one of my really good guy friends. we just talked about everything and i really needed it. how do i fit the rest of this month into a few sentences? i went to greece. i couldn't be more thankful for the experience. i really needed something to keep me busy and excited and i got that. i kept all of my hurt deep inside. it was the best time of my life but also the worst in a sense. every day was full of adventure, hard work, good food, singing, beautiful places, and ice cream. i can't even describe that trip. i felt really close to everyone. i dreaded coming home because reality would come back and i didn't want that at all. i did a show with bcd. that was fun. best part was getting closer to a really nice girl who is now one of my best friends.

august- reality hit as i expected it to. i spent too much time thinking about it. i guess this is when things with you, other person, not single, started, although i didn't notice it at the time. you got back with your ex. that made everything a million times worse. i cried myself to sleep. i had to let go for good. i felt so insignificant and so meaningless. the last few months now felt like a lie. i got lucky again and had something to keep me busy. unfortunately i signed a contract and can't say anything about it yet, but it had to do with san francisco and singing. it was sure an experience. i helped my sister move into college. it was hard to come to terms with us not being in each other's life 24/7 anymore. i couldn't say anything because i knew you were much more scared than i was. but i was so scared to be on my own. you, new guy, broke up with your girlfriend of a year, one of my good friends, and then told me you had feelings for me. i had no idea what to do.

september- senior year started. i was so scared and emotional but excited at the same time. i was looking forward to having a planned schedule again. one of my old friends from middle school who pretty much ruined my 8th grade year decided to go to costa. i didn't want her near me. i preferred when she wasn't in my life at all because she hurt me so much and made me feel really badly about myself. my ex from freshman year was being really annoying towards me and i didn't have the patience to deal with him. i went to choir retreat and became choir president. i was feeling really emotional about growing up so fast and i sobbed with my best friend under the stars. i will never forget that. ever. dining room started.

october- i went to homecoming with the homecoming king and started to become friends with him. i got really, really confused about boys and had feelings for a lot of people at once. i felt uneasy. i made a promise to myself that's been hard to keep but i know it's for the best. i turned 17 and had an amazing day. i started repairing my relationship with my dad. there were some really big fights a while back that i thought we wouldn't be able to get past. my sister felt differently but i wanted to try to forget it. it was causing more harm than good. i spent time with only him for the first time and we really bonded through our feelings about our religion and i felt happy to have him back in my life. i felt torn between my feelings for two specific people. i got my license. i got jamba juice with my friend and we finally talked about how we both had feelings for each other sophomore year. i was glad to know it wasn't one sided but it was a little disappointing that nothing had become of it. i got in a huge misunderstanding/fight with my ex from freshman year which really messed me up for a couple of days. i felt terrible. i got closer to a different guy. i was starting to get over you. i would never forget you. but i thought about you less and less. i felt freer and happier.

november- you showed up randomly at rehearsal. it threw me for a loop. i was not prepared. after 4 months i saw you again. everything came back. i was getting over you and seeing you again didn't help at all. i took some time alone. the guy confusion continued. i was getting emotionally invested in multiple people. i felt torn in more than two pieces. i got closer to my friend's ex. i knew it was a bad idea. he wasn't ready. he flirted with everyone else and hooked up with other people while trying to convince me he liked only me. i forgave him multiple times and tried to see the good in him. the dining room opened and closed. i didn't really like the show but i LOVED the experience. i got so much closer with everyone and felt like i could really let go and be myself. i decided on him, i guess. in the sense that i ended things with everyone else and decided to pursue him and only him. he couldn't do the same for me. it was foolish of me to think he was ready after a one year relationship.

december- next to normal, progressive dinner, rent, movie nights, the getty, the grove, college applications. i had ANOTHER fight with my ex from freshman year. it was getting out of hand. my friend told me how hurt she'd be if i dated her ex. i realized what i should have realized a long time ago. i ended things with you. you handled things really badly after that and i got mad at you, with good reason. i had a related argument with one of my friends and things got awkward and we stopped being friends. i had a moment of inspiration on christmas eve and decided to forgive everyone i was mad at. it was causing too much stress that i didn't need. and it was keeping me from a peace i needed and wanted. i felt better after.

i apologize for the novel. happy new year.